A Road Less Traveled: Self-hatred to Self-Love – A Woman’s Perspective 

Like so many of you I have lived too long thinking I had to be superwoman. Apparently it is the shame of women that we do not DO enough, despite that 70% of us are single parents, despite that, post credit crunch, we supply more than half the workforce, I could go on.  The point is, we are now unhappier than our male counterparts, 60 years ago when only a few of us worked part time, it was the other way around. I conclude only to simplify my own life.

I have recently published my first book, the self-will and determination that took while still running my hypnosis business, looking after parents, daughter, guests in my home was enough to wear me out. But then the cosmos decided to pelt me with debris from the past (courtesy of a would-be ex) while confusing my current lover to the point that I felt that was ending before its time. That took me to exhaustion point, my defences were down – boof! I got an energetic kick in the teeth.

A few weeks later while in Turkey for a friends wedding, normally a time to enjoy and recoup, I got worse. I realised this was so much more than my typical overwork burn-out.

The physical manifestation was UTIs – 3rd one and I just could not face another  course of anti-biotics. I felt really confused not realising then that UTIs could actually make you delusional. The self abuse was smoking, it must have been 15 years since I was a smoker other than the odd occasion having a drink – but there I was back into addict mode – I just couldn’t understand it. Spiritually I felt in the dessert, everything I thought had turned after a 10 year drought seemed to be rushing back to minus zero.

I asked my new guru – Google. Apparently it is very common in the case of autoimmune issues, that what is happening physically is also happening spiritually. The person is under assault against themselves. They can struggle with deep self-rejection combined with self-hate, but it often hides under the surface. In women the self-rejection comes out of a lack of being loved properly, usually from a father or another significant male in their life that has left them with an unhealed broken heart. Because of this, one can struggle with constant insecurity as to who they are. They are conflicted in their identity and self-worth. They are accused in their thoughts, so guilt becomes a constant motivator in their life.

Phew!

It resonated. I had become expert at covering up self-hatred and self-rejection with performance and driven-ness. I kept up a good facade, giving everyone the impression that things were good, when in reality, I was struggling inside. It was hard for me to express hardship and struggle without going into self-pity and self-loathing. I overcompensated for this by striving and doing more; never coming to peace with just being a child of the universe.

These realisations at first left me overwhelmed. I’d been that way since maybe 8 or 9 years old. How on earth could I change that now? I was tired, what could I do?

After a couple of days of feeling it was just too much. I remembered my own lessons from the book – just do something, just make a start, make a small shift. I decided to reprioritise meditation. Phase 2 was to reprioritise my eating and after that holiday I nursed my way back to health, one of the things I used was this

honey

Immunity Toner

Immunity Toner-    

1 tsp. finely grated lemon rind

1 tbls Turmeric powder

100 grams organic honey

2 tbls apple cider vinegar

Pinch black pepper

Mix Turmeric powder, apple cider vinegar & black pepper in a bowl

Add lemon rind & finally the honey

Pop it in a jar in the fridge & take 1 tablespoon every morning & wait for it to melt, wait before you drink water.

I used it for 4-6 weeks and during that time I started yoga and the gym again – slowly, slowly I came back to myself. My book was published and I could slow down.

Phase 3 was all about connection and while chatting with a couple of soul sis-stars, contemplating the weird energies around at the time, I became inspired to facilitate half a day of extreme nurturing for the beautiful women in my life. We all need it. Also to discuss the types of issues that stem from or effect our womanhood

So Women Gathering: A Woman’s Perspective on Self Care,  is an afternoon of nurturing for the beautiful women in my life where each woman is to bring something to share – an idea from a workshop or book or you discovered on your own; a special brew of tea; a quickee relaxation / massage technique – something we can use for ourselves easily. Either that or sing; play or read poetry to us, any offering you like.

Our day will be spent with an opening meditation, an informal circle of sharing of our experience and own perspective over lunch and shared nurturing afterwards.

Continuation..

As always life moves on, there was another layer of the onion and as always where we are in denial the wisdom of the cosmos intervenes. So it turned out that I only had a short spell of good health when I was in yet another round of personal crisis, I won’t bore you with the details but I know how things work well enough to recognise that it was time to do the deeper work. Let me explain-

The year before publishing The Me I Want To Be someone asked me to write the story of my life as a young model. When I sent them the outline the said I hadn’t dug deep enough. I didn’t know how – I did not feel myself to be a victim and I’m certainly no apologist but other than that I had never really thought about the why that lay underneath my life as a glamour model. I told them I wasn’t ready and that I intended to publish The Me I Want To Be first.

Meanwhile I thought to myself I’ll figure out the underbelly of my next story….

Well guys you know what happens when you place your order with the cosmos!

The emotional roller-coaster described above began. I realised not only that I had the underbelly of the story but that I had to write it. If as my friend, Robert suggested that book needs to be a movie, this would be part of the opening scene-

 “I was so relieved when I saw my best friend’s face and that she had managed to persuade her brother to come pick me up. Bruised and broken I staggered into the car and sobbed: “There were three of them”. After I told her about the gang rape, she said: “Well it’s not like you were a virgin, look at the state of your tights”. I was looking down at my trendy thick white tights now filthy and torn when her raunchy cackle cut through me like a knife. I never told another soul. I was fourteen.

I ran away.

Eventually I found a nude photo booth at the centre of Soho’s bright lights and learned how to portray the kind of fantasy that made taking money from men like taking candy from a baby. They saw nothing of the past that had formed me, they saw something else entirely, something that was hard for me to grasp but yet I honed to perfection. An armour of success and glamour was built around that broken little girl as I became known to millions of men as Vicki Scott, one of the UK’s most prolific nude models”.

I know I am not the only woman who has weaponised and traded off her sexuality but I also know I cannot write this next piece without knowing how you feel too. How do we feel about the things that we have grown to accept, think about as normal, not even realise are wrong?

So I would like to add to my original questions for this gathering which were: what does it mean to you to be a woman, and what do you need to be nurtured as a woman – what formed you as a woman?

If you can’t join us here gather your own woman folks and do something similar and whatever sex you are, give yourself the love you need – you deserve it and the world will be a better place full of beings who love and adore themselves, then we can truly spread the love.

Namaste

Vicki

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